As most of you who follow me on facebook know, Tuesday was wing night – every Tuesday is wing night. Most times the conversation starts with catching up on what went on during the week and then the talk can turn to anything at all. Last wing night the conversation took a sudden turn when my friend David asked, “have you guys ever heard of ‘butt chugging and vodka tampons’?”

I looked at him as my brain tried to process what he had just said, after thinking about it and coming to the only conclusion that I could come up with, I asked, “Is that when you lay on your stomach and someone puts a bottle of vodka in your butt?”  

“No,” He said not even surprised at my answer. David has known me for so long that I don’t think anything I say or do surprises him anymore.  “A vodka tampon It’s when you take a tampon and soak it in liquor and then you shove up your butt.”

The first thing that went through my mind was what the hell are kids thinking these days? Sticking a tampon up you butt to get drunk? I don’t know which visual was worse; laying on a table with a bottle of vodka sticking out from between your butt cheeks or shoving a liquor soaked tampon up your ass. I shook my head lightly like an etch-a-sketch trying to rid my brain of both visuals.

“You’re kidding,” Tamika, a former co-worker and friend, who had joined us for this particular wing night took a sip of her drink and said. “You’re making that up.”

At that point her high school age daughter and the foreign exchange student she is hosting excused themselves and went to the rest room. 

“You can youtube  it” David said as he chugged on his beer.  For the record, he wasn’t butt-chugging his beer, he was just chugging like any regular person would – through his mouth, not through his butt. Although at one point during the night he said he was having his last drink and acted like he was going to pour it in his butt.

“Hey, the girls took off suddenly” Tamika said a little concerned, “You don’t think they’re doing it. Do you?” 

I sucked the meat off a chicken wing, took a drink from my iced tea, wiped my mouth, turned to her and said the first thing that came to mind, “if she farts and it smells like vodka, then that means she’s butt chugging.” We all laughed.

"Why would anyone do that?" She asked, trying to see if she could see her daughter and the foreign exchange student through the door that lead to the restroom.

“It's supposed to make you feel intoxicated quicker,” David explained. “The alcohol doesn’t go through your stomach, so it doesn’t go through the acid. It goes straight into your system, so you get drunk right away. If you’re at work you wouldn’t be able to smell the alcohol on your breath.” 

“but, wouldn’t they be able to smell it coming out your butt? Plus you'd be squirting vodka everytime you took a step."

“Whose going to smell someone else’s ass?” David looked at me, maybe I could surprise him afterall, because he had the surprised, disqusted look that people tend to get when they talk to me for any long period of time.  

“Who would even think to do that?” Tamika asked. "I mean who was the first person to take a tampon and decided to soak it in liquor and then shove it up their butt?"

David looked at me, “You should make a Youtube tutorial on butt-chugging and vodka tampons.” 

“Yeah,” I said pretending I was holding up a glass of spiced rum with a tampon in it. ‘I have a super absorbent tampon that has been soaking in Captain Morgan for the past 12 hours. You take the tampon and shove it up your anus so you have the captain in your ass.”

“Do you even know what a tampon is?” David asked. “You don’t need to soak it for 12 hours. You just put it in the glass and it soaks up the liquid.” he made a soaking sound with his mouth that I wouldn't even know how to type here. 

Tamika asked, “How do you know that?’

“Once, when I was younger,” he began. “My buddies and I put tampons in our mouths to see who could keep it in the longest.” 

I turned to Tamika, “that was before we were friends, I never put a tampon in my mouth.” Looking at David I asked, “Did you win?”

“No, but it soaks up all your saliva and you get…”

Tamika cut him off, “cotton-mouth.” She laughed. At that point her youngest daughter and the German Exchange Student came back to the table. Tamika looked at her daughter suspiciously, “You’re not doing it, are you?” 

“Doing what?” Her daughter asked.

“Butt-chugging a vodka tampon.” 

“Eeewwww,” she made a face like she had just stepped in dog poo in her bare feet. “No I haven’t even heard of that but it sounds disgusting.” Apparently neither of them were paying attention to the conversation before they went to the rest room.

“It’s when you soak a tampon in liquor and then shove it up your butt.”

“Eeewww.” Both the youngest daughter and the foreign exchange student said at the same time. 

I looked at Tamika and asked, “can you imagine her letter back home? ‘Dear mother and father, you would not believe what the Americans do with their tampons.'”