I come from a very religious family. Everyone is either a preacher or some sort of religious speaker, except for the Vegas branch. We’re the sinners, the rockers, and the swingers. This past Sunday, my brother had a brain fart that told him he should go to church and take his family with him. When he decided to take his family, he thought it would be a good idea to ask our mother and myself to go with him. At first I declined because I’m a sinner, I’m a rocker, and I’m a swinger. At the last minute I decided that I would give it a try.

He had heard about a Universal Unitarian Church that he wanted to try. When he told me about it all I could say was “huh?” because I had no idea what a Universal Unitarian Church was. He told me that it was a place where people could all believe in different things, but all came together and accepted everyone. It sounded like my kind of place – because my friend Dave keeps calling me a hippie. When I thought about it, I imagined a congregation of people just like me; people with hair that went crazy in the wind and who wanted peace on earth and all that good stuff. The only person I saw that looked anything like me was a homeless guy carrying a ratty plastic bag full of old pictures. I wondered, do I look like that when I carry my bag of pictures? I’m kidding.

It wasn’t an easy journey to get to church. We started off late and my brother hates being late to anything so he was upset and in a bad mood. He really needed some religion at that moment. The fact that no one in the car knew where the church was actually located didn’t help matters.

“What if they ask why we’re late?” My brother asked annoyed that no one knew the exact location of the church other than it was on the corner of Pecos and Lake Mead.

“Just tell them that Satan didn’t want you to go, so he put lots of obstacles in your way.” Everyone in the car looked at me like I was a smart-ass that was going to Hell. “When we get there ask them if the Lord is still there because we’d like to see Him. If not we can look somewhere else.” A few people in the car laughed, they will remain unnamed for their protection. Then, for some unknown reason, I  blurted out, “I’d like to go to a church where I could wear a cape.” No one paid much attention to that statement and I don’t know why I said it, it just seemed like the thing to say at the time.

We finally found the church and although we were late we still walked in. It was hot and filled with what I would call well groomed hippies. We take our seats at the very back of the church. I sit next to the homeless guy with hair like mine, who smells like the Christmas rum balls my aunt used to make every year before she divorced my uncle. I used to love those rum balls so sitting next to the man that smells like them gives me a feeling that is both happy and a bit disturbing at the same time.

As the woman spoke at the pulpit I could feel myself start sweating. It was hot, so hot in “the chapel” that I was constantly wiping away the sweat from my forehead with the sleeves of my shirt. My mom gave me the scolding look she used to give me when I was a kid and would sit in church fidgeting as my grandfather  told us it was a sin to do many of the things I enjoyed doing.

“What’s wrong?” My brother asked as he saw struggling to keep dry.

“it’s hot as Hell in here.” I chuckled at my joke. My brother rolled his eyes and then focused on what the lady at the head of the church was saying.

I listened to what the lady was saying and it was not the fire and brimstone sermons that my grandfather used to preach. “Imagine you are on a beach looking out over the ocean. Now, imagine you were holding a new born baby in your arms and you’re watching the waves as they break on the shore.” It was a bit eerie because her voice was monotone and she seemed so emotionless. “As you’re watching the waves you see a giant wave heading toward the shore. You have two choices; one you toss the baby to your significant other, saving the baby but in the process you’ve doomed yourself to death by drowning. Or you have choice number two. If you choose choice number two then you survive, but you have to run and throw the baby behind you into the giant wave. Would you throw the baby into the wave to drown knowing that would give you just the amount of time you needed to save yourself?”

I looked at my brother and asked, “What the hell?” I sort of tuned out the lady after that and tried to keep from falling asleep. Finally, the sermon ended and we stood up to sing the final song, which I didn’t know or pretend to know. I just stood there sort of shaking my ass back and forth to the beat.

After the sermon or talk about the baby and the giant wave they invited us to the kitchen area which was a Styrofoam free zone (they had a sign which said so). They had all sorts of snacks; crackers, cheese, little meats, fruit, celery with peanut butter, humus, tofu bites, coffee and juice. There was a sign that said donations of $2 per person or $5 per family, so I decided to pass on the food. We looked at the different groups they had and most were about peace, love and acceptance. There was a table assigned to visitors – I guess so the regulars could come and talk to you and try to convert you. As we sat there a lady who looked much like the lady who talked about the baby and giant wave sat with us, she told us that we should enjoy the food and that it was free for visitors. She didn’t have to say anymore. I went up to the counter, loaded my plate and ate, then I had a second plate and ate some more, then I stood at the counter and picked off the serving dishes.

When I sat back at the table the lady was talking about all the different groups they had and she looked at me and said, “We also have a wiccan branch. You look like you might be interested in that one.”

I wondered what she meant by that – it must be my hair (note to self: get a haircut).

She left some materials for us to look over. After the lady, it was a dude’s turn to talk to us. I’m not saying anything bad about the way he was dressed because I was dressed in a similar way a few days earlier. He was wearing a denim shirt and jeans. The thing about this guy was that he was flamboyantly gay. He started talking to my sister-in-law about computers. My sister-in-law quickly told him I was a computer geek and a gamer. He smiled and turned his attention to me. He began to talk to me for the next twenty minutes or so about video games, computers, etc. I guess this was payback for trying to set my sister up with a lesbian. After a few one word answers I think the jean guy got the idea that I was just passing through and not to interested. He decided to leave and talk to some other guy in the area.

Finally, we all decided to leave. As we were walking back to the car my five year old niece looked up at me and said, “I think you can wear your cape to this church.”