My birthday just passed and we decided that we would have a small dinner of family and my best friends. My very best friend is named Dave and I’ve known him for a long time now, so he is always invited to whatever parties, functions, etc we have. This year after dinner Dave decided that he wanted to take me to the hookah lounge, so we went and I smoked my very first hookah. There’s a story there too, but the story I want to tell now is how afterwards we went to the stripper club. I live in Vegas and have seen some crazy stuff, but it’s rare that I actually go to a stripper club. The only other time I’ve been was when I first moved here and that stripper club was kind of ghetto – it had the “B” list of strippers; you know the ones that are missing teeth and look a little less attractive.

 As we pulled into the parking area of the strip club you knew right away that this wasn’t your regular stripper club. This stripper club was high end and it was packed but then again why wouldn’t it be? We were in Larry Flint’s Hustler Club – this isn’t your daddy’s old stripper club. We had forgotten that the porn convention was in town and they were all there. Ron Jeremy was having a party there as well so camera crews were all over. As soon as I walked in I just stood there amazed at all the stuff that was going on. The two main stripper poles went from the stages in the middle of the room to the second floor and the girls were going all the way to the top, some of them even had two girls on a pole. Once we walked upstairs we sat at one of the stages that were connected by the catwalk and the entire stage and catwalk area was made of some sort of plexi-glass, so you could see all the way down to the first floor. As I looked around me all I could think was “God is going to reach down and smite us all.”

There were strippers walking around doing lap dances and some of the dances were done in booths behind curtains, so I can only imagine what kind of dancing was going on in there. The girls all wore high heeled shoes, so high in fact that I felt like I was in bikini amazon island. Some were so tall with the shoes that I was eye to breast with some of them. That wasn’t the case for my friend Dave because he’s a giant so his eye level is a lot higher than mine.

We found chairs around one of the second story stages. Dave disappeared for a few minutes and when he came back he had a huge wad of one dollar bills and a sly,” little boy in a candy store with a wad of money look” on his face - we sat down and the show began. I never had so much ass in my face; there was big ass, small ass, black ass, Hawaiian ass, tattooed ass, muscular ass, and ass with little ripples of cellulite on it. I saw one girl put her face right into another girl’s ass – it was like something from a movie. I want to make it clear that I’m not a prude and as much ass that was in my face, my face was never in the ass. I have a strict rule that all strange ass has to be at least two feet from my face and even then it’s all pretty iffy. A lot of the strippers kept coming to where I was because they knew it was my birthday. One of the girls even slapped my head with her boobs. My friend Dave had gone to get a drink when that happened and I was laughing when he came back.

“what’s so funny?” He asked.

I said, “One of the girls smacked me on the head with her boobs.” Then I added, “She had small boobs so it really wasn’t a smack, it was more of a tap. Tap. Tap.” I pretended I was tapping my head with some pretend, small boobs.

“You didn’t tell the stripper that, did you?” He asked.

I just laughed. We both started laughing as a short, little stripper took the stage and began to spray the pole with some sort of germ killing sanitary spray and wipe it clean. She climbed all the way to the top of the pole and sprayed it and rubbed the pole in a sexual way then slid down, wiping it clean with a towel.

“Why is there a boy cleaning the pole?” Dave asked, speaking to no one in particular.

We were laughing again when all of a sudden the little stripper started to climb and swing on the pole. Our eyes went wide and our mouths fell open with shock as she did things on a pole I never thought humanly possible. Now I understood why she had cleaned the pole.

As the night progressed they had special strippers tossing out “limited edition Hustler” t-shirts. As we walked out I clutched my t-shirt in my hands and thanked Dave for the whole birthday experience.

“Do you still want to get the tattoo?” He asked because we had talked in the hookah lounge about getting a tattoo.

“I don’t know what to get” I said. My brother had suggested I get one that said, “It’s my birthday and all I got was this lousy tattoo.” I looked at Dave and had a better idea, “Why don’t we just go eat a cheeseburger at  In ‘n Out?”

It was after 2:00 am and my birthday was over…