My Uncle Ray died this morning.

It’s hard to explain the feelings I have right now - it seems that during times like this I go though a lot of different emotions, thoughts, and feelings. When I heard the news I was pulling into my parking spot at work, so afterwards I sat there and quickly wrote down what I was feeling. I didn’t know if I was going to post it or not mostly because I know that as the days progress my feelings are going to change and by the time this has passed I’ll have changed a little bit too.

This is what I jotted down while sitting in the parking lot of work:

I just pulled into the parking space at work when I got the call that my Uncle Ray had just passed away. He had been sick for a long time and it was expected - we knew it was coming, but even so, the news hits you hard. Although it’s expected, It still seems to come out of nowhere and knocks you down, then kicks your ass. I don’t care what anyone says, you’re never ever really ready for news like this.

I turned on the radio and let the music play loudly - it was like a rock and roll soundtrack to the images of my mind. I thought about my uncle and how he seemed to work so much and was always chasing a dream that seemed to be just out of reach. He owned a little restaurant and I used to love to go there especially on fish and chips night. He used to let me drink all the Big Red I could drink and for a kid that was something so awesome. I thought about the time I went to Six Flags over Texas with his family and all the fun we had. I tried to drink as much juice as I could because they sold it in little plastic fruit shaped squirt bottles and I wanted to collect them all. As I sat thinking about my Uncle Ray I had to take a moment for myself and just lay my head on the steering wheel of my car and let my tears flow freely.

I know we’re all born to die - we’re born, we live, and then we die, but even so, it’s still hard when someone you care about dies. When I was younger and I would hear about someone’s death it would make me question my own mortality, but now that I’m older that’s not the case anymore. I know that someday I’m going to die. Now, when something like this happens it makes me question my faith and the existence of God more than anything else.

My family is all very religious and it’s their faith that helps them through times like this, but it’s a little different for me. I have to say that I admire my cousin Ray jr because he has been so strong during this time. He’s been much stronger than I could ever be if faced with the same situation. He has faith and moments like this seem to make his faith stronger. I’m the opposite, things like this seem to push me just a little further from God and they make me question His existence. I look around and I see so much evil in the world and I wonder why if there is a God that He doesn’t do anything about it - but then I look into the faces of my nephews and nieces and I can’t help but to see God in their eyes and hear Him in their laughs...and I get more confused.

I’m confused and I hate to think that in the end it really is dust to dust , ashes to ashes and all that bullshit. I hate to think that it’s true that all we are is dust - nothing more and nothing less. We’re born, we live, we die and there is no divine intervention in any of it.