I have a bit of a dilemma and I don’t know how to handle it. A new person has entered my life that I have to work with on a daily basis and, well, he’s “a picker.” I didn’t know what a picker was exactly until the day that this person started and I got a call from a former friend that asked me who the new person was. When I told her that it was a person that transferred from her section at work she said, “Oh man, I feel sorry for you guys.” I was going to ask why she felt the need to say that, but didn’t get a chance before she added, “Whatever you do, do not shake his hand.”

Now she had me intrigued, why would she possibly make a statement like that? I had to find out. “Why?” I asked

“Because he’s a picker.” She answered nonchalantly

“A picker?” I may be a bit naïve because I had no idea what she was talking about. I had never heard that term before. I had no idea what “a picker” was but I was about to find out.

“Yeah, he picks his nose.” She said, “He always has his finger up his nose.”

“Well, that’s kinda gross.” I said trying to get that visual out of my mind.

“that’s not all,” she added, “he pokes his fingers everywhere.”

“What do you mean? Everywhere?” If she could see me over the phone she would have seen that I was giving her my Boo-Boo the Fool face like she was speaking a different language.

“Yeah, “ she answered. “He puts his fingers everywhere. I‘ve seen him put his fingers in almost every orifice a person has”

“You’re crazy.”

“Ok,” she warned one last time, “Just take my advice and whatever you do, don’t shake his hand.”

Later in the day, the new transfer was officially brought around by the acting supervisor to meet everyone. When he came to me he reached out his hand and I just looked at it. This was the second time that day that I had my Boo-Boo the Fool face. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to shake his hand just in case my former co-worker was correct and he did stick his fingers in his orifices, but I didn‘t want to be rude either. The thought of having dried boogers and ass crumbs transferred from his hand to mine was too much. That thought trumped good manners, so I pulled away from him and my supervisor, did a half-hearted wave and said I had to go talk to a doctor about a patient and I walked away.

Throughout the day I started to wonder if maybe I had been too hard on him and been to quick not to shake his hand. Maybe my former co-worker was wrong or maybe she was just messing with me. I told the rest of the staff that I heard he was a picker, after scolding me for not mentioning this information before they shook his hand they all got grossed out and made a quick trip to the restroom and the hand sanitizer. One of our employees then spoke up.

“It’s true,” she said, “I used to work with him at another clinic and he always had his finger up his nose. I don’t mean just wiping his nose, but inside.“

“You mean it’s like he was trying to touch his brain?” I asked.

She looked at me, laughed a little bit and nodded, then continued. “That’s not all,” she paused, we all stood there in anticipation like we were kids sitting around a camp fire listening to a scary tale. Finally she said, “he picks his butt.”

There was a collective “Eeewwww”

“you guys need to stop it,” one of the other employees said. “that poor guy just started here and you’re already messing with him.”

I looked at her and said, “I’m just trying to protect you. What if he comes out here and gives you some paperwork and ass crumbs slide down the sheet and land in your coffee or doughnut?”

“You’re stupid.” She said.

Another person mentioned the fact that “once it lands on someone’s food or drink, they stop being ass crumbs and become ass sprinkles.”

I thought that was funny, so I had to make sure to mention it here - I just wish I had said it.

We went on with our day as usual, that is until I was called into the office by the supervisor. She was on a conference call, so I sat in the chair across her desk. The new employee stood behind her watching as she worked on the computer and listened to the main supervisors on the call. As I sat there the new employee started scratching the back of his right leg. That’s not bad - I mean everyone has scratched the back of their leg at one time or another, but as I watched him scratch his leg, something strange started to happen. His hand began to move closer to his ass crack and he didn‘t even try to hide the fact that his fingers were quickly descending into the darkness of his ass. I sat there shocked as he started to scratch his ass crack - I have never seen anyone do that before, especially out in a public area like that. He was gone digging as the supervisor sat talking on the conference call. He stood there digging in his ass crack as I sat there thinking, “Dude, I’m sitting right here. I can see you scratching your ass crack.” He didn’t care. He just went on like it was a normal thing to stand and scratch your ass in public.

I just sat trying not to look in his direction, but I couldn’t help it - it was so surreal. It was like he was digging for treasure and I couldn’t help but wonder if he would be happy to find nuggets in there - I’m sure they wouldn’t be gold nuggets though.