Today I am a pro basketball player, world traveler and supreme beast; however, I was not always as I am now. There were many years when I was not realizing my potential awesomeness. I will tell you all the painful story of my education in the world. I know that rule of not breaking the third wall and directly addressing the intended audience of a piece but as I am not a very talented writer this loosely constructed preamble will have to suffice. OK so anyway I was 21 and an upcoming senior at a small east coast college and I was on my way to a prestigious basketball camp for ball players at the Center position as I am near 7ft tall. I was nervous. I was not so much nervous for the camp but rather that I was going out of town when I had a horrible skank of a girlfriend who was bound to spread to her legs to any and every willing partner while I was gone. The opportunity to play with the best players in the world does not come every day so I made my choice to leave town and see what Vegas had in store for me.

The plane ride was uneventful, no turbulence or great looking stewardess to occupy my mind. I fell asleep and awoke to the lights of Las Vegas at night. The soullessness of the city hidden by those blinding lights, one would never know this is where I would begin my metamorphosis. The camp’s handlers collected me and brought me to my room. We had a meeting for the camp, lecture, and next day camp would begin. At the meeting you got a roommate an ID tag and a schedule. We were free to explore and were just given the warning that camp would be at 7:00 am sharp next morning and to rest up. I was free to explore, so of course like a pussy I ran to my room and called my GF… she had gone out with “friends”… to a movie… guy friends… I promptly hung up on her mother. I dialed her cell with light speed… turned off inexplicably? Now in my preamble above I mentioned she had been a terrible whore, however, this was my first girlfriend and the obvious facts eluded me as at this time I was still an innocent. This was two years in mind you and she had blatantly cheated on twice before, I dare not call her again because I was convinced of love’s superiority over all forces and for fear of being called a “stalker” by her. This was the term she threw around when I would question her about her shady dealings and whorebag ways. Needless to say I could not waste any more time on her for the time being, I had a hard day ahead of me.

I love Basketball, I love shooting and scoring and blocking the shit out of stupid snitches that suck and that is exactly what I did. Camp went exactly as expected and was extra awesome because we got to mix it with the NBA guys that were there. I had so much fun playing it almost took all my previously mentioned problems out of my mind. For that reason I will always love this game. Camp went exactly like that for the whole week; everyday was a release from my painfully conscious state of wondering “who is she fucking now?”

The nights, hot and dry like an old vagrant tramp’s fuckhole, screamed to me of infidelity. I walked the Vegas strip confronted at every turn by some abomination of humanity jamming an endless supply of coins into and endless row of gaming machinery. I had managed to befriend my roommate, we can call him “D”, and he had talked me into going to some casino up the strip for a good time. Apparently he had been more outgoing than I had been because we were 20 strong walking up the street. Imagine that sight 20 7ft tall youngsters invading the streets of sin city. It was ridiculous. I eventually separated myself from the pack, tired and worn out from all the walking I had a pizza, ok 2 pizzas, ok three pizzas and like 20 beers but that’s it I promise. I was out of money and had lost my group there was also no shuttle in sight. I had to walk the Vegas strip at night, alone, in August. There must have been something off about those pizzas because I needed to shit bad or vomit or both, immediately. I was hallucinating from the pain and 100 degree temperature…at night? WTF? “JESUS HELP ME” I thought as I ran down the street half slouched over from my aching gut. I would run, stop, rest, almost get sick, run some more, sit, spit, curse and repeat. Much like the corpse of a dead hobo Las Vegas is riddled with parasites. These parasites include hookers, travelers, night tourists and weirdoes… I was, to say the least, in awe of these scandalous perversions made flesh. Prostitutes did not merely walk… they sprinted in high heels that came to a needle point. A strange band of friendly Mexicans handed me erotic literature on the side walk. I took one and was bombarded by 20 different solicitors. I discarded these gifts into traffic as to show my Hispanic brothers what I thought of their chosen professions. Not that I have a problem with whores making a living by paying these guys to hand out cards but I was fucking dying at this point and could not give a fuck about anything that was not a toilet. Although for the rates some of these “tutes” were charging maybe I should have cowboyed up and shit on their chests for a fee. Nevertheless, I much like Aslan from C.S. Lewis Classic “The Chronicles of Narnia was on the move. (Which is what they would always say about him in that story yet he was a fucking lion and should have just been murder-raping every bad guy he saw including the white cunt witch). After marveling at the agility of these women of the night the last challenge presented itself. It was of course a crowd of gay dudes just prancing the boulevard calling each other bitches and such and stating “omg I can’t believe you are wearing that” in unison. I projectile vomited in their general area causing the queens to scatter (running poorly) in a thousand different directions concerned only for the well being of their respective outfits. Leaping across the highway and dodging a police cruiser finally I made it to the hotel.

In my room, I crumbled upon the throne (toilet), and erupted out of all orifices save the ear canal. I lay on the floor of the bathroom curled into a ball futilely dialing her number… darkness enveloped me. I awoke to sound of a voice “hey man you ok?” “D” had come in… Yeah I’m fine dude just little ill from last night. It was only Tuesday and camp was still in session…I had ten minutes to get up wash off the puke and man up for camp. I did…it went well. I came back to the hotel in the evening for another night of who the fuck knows.

In life you meet random people. Have you ever done Chatroulette.com? It is this site that if you have a webcam it matches you to a random person who also has a webcam. Don’t ever go to this site! Out of 20,000 users 19k is a dude in a chair jerking it. A horrifying experience that made me want to break my computer. If you are a user of this site please hang yourself, now. Despite all the obvious fruit bags on the net sometimes you meet regular people doing regular things in a regular way. This is the case with my friend Tony Puente. You can call him “T-bone”, “T-pain”, “TP”, “Pony Tuente”; “PT cruiser” is a new one I have been playing with because he is always cruising for dirty slut-bag college girls. I met him for real in Vegas, we had been random MySpace friends for a long time and now I was in Vegas and he said he knew where things were happening so I said “what the fuck”. Tony is an average size fellow with a kind soul and a strange curiosity of the world of massive people “D” and I headed out in search of a party and we ended up at this place in Vegas where you can get football beers… mission accomplished! To be clear they are not beer cans with footballs on them, or beer served during a football game but rather a large plastic cup in the shape of a football is filled to the brim with beer and served ice cold. The beer was good the place we got them was questionable at best.

This place is Freemont Street, a cesspool unto itself, was a home to lowly dogs that were offensive to all senses. These filthy freaks would that scamper up and down the street trying to glean what they could from the night. The air was permeated with sweat and the canopy of neon lights, which the street is famous for, lit the sky to reveal the brain-dead moron tourist below who could only glare at the wonder of electricity. As we walked we were accosted by skanks… one was obviously pregnant and another had one hand… you know… proper skanks. They were enamored with our size and awesomeness as usual they offered their frail whore bodies and we had to decline because they were not hot and we did not want Hep C. Tony considered mating with them or getting a “nub-job” from the handless one at least. I said I wanted to go because I was faithful to my GF. I let Tony know and Tony being the sly dog scared them away by declaring he would love to wear their skin to his birthday real soon. Thanks Tony. We returned that night to the hotel and bid adieu to our friend Tony as he was anxious to get home and take his shirt off to get on chat roulette ASAP. Jk, tony, JK. As T-bone pealed out of the hotel parking lot I considered my GF and walked to my room. I called her and got through this time. She was distant and unable to explain our lack of communication for the past few days… I could feel my heart beginning to break.

Camp finished up without anything crazy happening. I Hung out with my friends again at a few dinners and such. The week ended and I flew home. She came to get me at the airport. We embraced instantly when we saw each other. For one instant all the transgressions had been forgotten. It was paradise in a moment. See I think it was this way for me because she was my first girlfriend, or maybe it was because I lost my virginity to her or that her parents treated me like a son. I bit my tongue because I was relieved to be home.

The following week it happened… her cell rang. She was showering and I answered. It was some guy asking where she was… I was all “who the fuck is this?”… “Her Boyfriend” he replied. I wanted proof which this guy gave. This was the last and only time I can remember tears rolling down my cheeks as he put the missing pieces into a puzzle I had not been able to solve for some time. The unmistakable facts, times and dates where she would just vanish for hours all deluged out of the phone and into my mind. As this was going on she entered the room. I shattered the cell phone in my hand and threw it out of the window. I asked her once in a stern voice. She admitted to everything. I asked her why, she did not know. She blamed her insecurities, my being too nice, and of course her eating disorder and prime causes. Oddly, she had never mentioned any of this before. If you suspect cheating and you spy some different things can happen. If you are wrong then you are a stalker and if you were right…it’s over. From then on I was numb. I said “whore, it’s over… I’m taking my shit and going…fuck you.”

I had become the supreme beast and I went out on the town for revenge. I crashed parties her guy friends were throwing… house parties or club parties and got into fights. I beat the living piss out of her “boyfriend” a real chat roulette type. I talked to all the hottest girls and got them over to my house for what I like to call “RPs” or rape parties. This is where I get a girls drunk and into my swimming pool then have my way with them… not against their will or anything but they are all loosey-goosey after two drinks anyways and will do almost anything including go all the way with each other (my personal favorite). I targeted her “girlfriends” if they could be called that because they hated each other in secret. In reality her friends that were female were just the worst collection of horrible cum-dumpster ever to walk the face of the earth. My favorite was calling her during the act of coitus with these young “ladies” and telling her how skinny they all were. My vengeance was complete.

It was in this lust for whores I lost the taste for revenge. Railing college sluts had become all that was good, a new night on the town with my wingmen lurking in shadows ready to swoop in a talk the ear off the fat friend so I could take home the prize was my sport of choice now, and I was going to the Finals. I laid waste to whole sororities and came out alive. I guess what can be learned from this whole episode can be boiled down to a simple list.

• Always get drunk
  
• Keep a knife handy
  
• RP!!
  
• Never Love a whore

The next time I step foot on Vegas soil things will be different. I am going to RP the whole city and no means yes. Follow these steps and you should be good and maybe you can learn from me and avoid your own Vegas Evil.