A few weeks ago, my friend Dave and I had a strange conversation during our weekly Chicken Wing Night. I don’t know who started the talk about superhereos, it was probably me because I’m a lot geekier than Dave, but the question was asked; if you could be a superhero what would you call yourself and what would your power be?

I told Dave that once, as I was standing in a long line at the bank waiting to withdraw some money I started thinking about different things. One of the thoughts I had was what kind of superpower I would like if I could choose any superpower. Dave said something about me being a real big geek, but I continued with my story. I told him that I looked at the line and thought that if I had the “Stink Power” I could make myself start to smell a little bit - maybe a whiff of armpit, then mix it with a little ass smell and continue until it got so bad that the person in front of me would breath in the smell and just pass out. I would simply step over that person, start the stink power up again and knock the next person unconscious with my power and step over them too. I would keep doing this until I got to the front of the line.

“I never realized just how geeky you are.” Dave said.

“That’s just part of my charm” I smiled. “So, what kind of a superhero would you be?”

Dave thought for a bit then answered, “I’d be a sidekick. I‘d be your sidekick” He looked at me, took a bite from his chicken wing, pointed at it and added, “I’d be your wingman. Get it, your wingman?

“Yeah I get it”

“I’d be the best sidekick ever.” He licked the wing sauce from his lips, “Yeah that’s what I’d be, your sidekick.”

“You can’t be a sidekick.” I said, “especially mine. If anything, I’d be your sidekick.”

“Why?”

“Dude,” I said taking a bite out of my own chicken wing. “You’re huge. You’re what? Six feet six inches tall and I’m five feet ten.”

“So?”

“So”, I said my mouth full of chicken wing, “the sidekick can’t be bigger than the hero. It’s just not right. That’s not how things are in the superhero world.” I didn’t even mention that fact that he has arms as big as my head and that last time we worked out together my maximum bench press was only warm up weight to him.

“The times they are a changing, so if our times are changing then maybe so are the times in the superhero world, maybe in this new time sidekicks are bigger than the heroes.” He looked at me and cocked one eyebrow up in a quizzed expression. “Why does the big good-looking guy always have to be the hero?”

“Shut the hell up. Dude, that’s just plain dumb, besides I didn’t say you were good-looking. Everyone knows that the hero is just bigger than the sidekick.”

My friend looked like he was about to give up and give in to my idea that the hero was always bigger than the sidekick, but then something came to mind. He looked at me and smiled a goofy smile. “What about Chewbacca and Han Solo? Chewbacca is the sidekick and he’s a lot bigger than Han Solo.” I thought about that for a minute and before I could say anything Dave added, “And what about C-3PO and R2-D2? C-3PO is bigger than R2.”

“How can you say R2-D2 is the hero?”

“He’s the hero because he saves everyone’s life many times during the entire Star Wars saga. What does C-3PO do besides whine and prance around?” He cocked his eyebrow again, which was starting to get on my nerves.

“In Star Wars C-3PO saves everyone from being crushed in the trash compactor.”

“Oh whoop de do” I never heard Dave say ‘whoop de do’ and for some reason it sounded really funny to me. “He saved them one time and he was a whinny cry baby about it. I seriously think he’s gay.”

“Whose gay?” I asked confused. “C-3PO?”

“Yeah, I think he’s gay. He’s got that English accent and he walks around all gayish.”

“Dude,” I laugh, “he’s a droid. Droids aren’t gay, they’re just robots. A droid can’t be gay just like a Muppet can’t be gay. C-3PO is not any gayer than Ernie or Burt.”

“What do you mean, they’re not gay? They’ve been living together for as long as I can remember and I don’t ever remember Maria or Prairie Dawn ever going over to visit. I bet Burt and Ernie had some wild, freaky Muppet sex.”

I rolled my eyes. “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.”

Dave looked at me and said, “Yeah, and somehow I have a feeling it’s going to end up in your blog.”