I was sitting at the hospital cafeteria patio eating lunch when an old friend walked up to me, or at least it was someone I knew from before - we really weren’t old friends just people who worked together at one time. She came up to me and started talking, telling me it was good to see me again and asking what I was doing now. I told her that I was working at the clinic and was on lunch at the moment. I was taken by surprised as she sat down at my little table without even asking if it was okay to do so. I usually don’t like to sit with people during my lunch break, not because I’m anti-social or anything like that. I just like to sit by myself because I like the quiet time I have from all the stuff that is going on at work, but I thought it would be okay for her to sit with me since she was someone I worked with before and it would probably be a long time before I saw her again.

“Hey, Tony remember that time during the Christmas party that I got so drunk you and Sofia’s husband had to drive me home?” She took a bite of her sandwich. “My husband was so mad because you were driving me home in our car. I’m surprised he didn’t come out and beat you up.” She laughed so hard as she said that, that she actually snorted like a little pig.

I couldn’t help but think, “I hope she doesn‘t have the swine flu.” I’m not one hundred percent sure but I could almost be certain that I didn’t think anything she was saying or doing was funny at all, not even the pig snort.

“Yeah, that would have been something.” I said, just watching her and thinking that maybe next time I should re-think letting anyone sit with me. ”What ever happened to him? Are you still married?” The questions came out of my mouth before I could stop them. I slapped my hand over my mouth but it was already too late the questions had come out.

“No, I left him a long time ago. I couldn’t live like that anymore.”

“Like what?” As soon as I asked the question I started to think that was a bad idea because I didn’t really want to know. I felt like punching myself in the face for not learning not to ask questions if I didn’t want to know the answers. I just wanted lunch to be over so I could go back to work.

“you know, with someone who is so jealous and controlling. He hated that we were friends and a few times he told me he wanted to kill you.”

“You think that might have been something you should have told me back then? Besides, it‘s not like we were going out or anything. We worked together and sometimes had lunch in the same break room at the same time. I don‘t see how he could have been jealous of that”

“He wouldn’t have done anything” She laughed nonchalantly. “He’s not brave enough to kill anyone.”

I was starting to think that having lunch by myself was a good idea after all. “That’s good to know”

She moved her chair close to mine. “You still look good, maybe a little pudgy, but not bad.” She patted my stomach as she said the word “pudgy”

“What?” I moved away from her. Pudgy? Pudgy - I’m not pudgy. What the hell is pudgy anyway?

“You’ve gained a little weight since we worked together”

“Yeah,” I said, “It’s been a long time since we worked together and you’ve gained some weight yourself.”

She looked at me surprised. “You’re not supposed to tell a lady that they’ve gained weight.”

“well, you have.”

She patted my stomach again, “Don’t get mad. I’m just saying you’re a little pudgy and I wouldn’t want you to get a ‘dicky do’ because then that would be bad.”

“what’s a ‘dicky do’” I asked.

She looked down at my stomach and said, “it’s when your stomach gets so big it starts to hang over your belt and you can’t see your penis because of your stomach.”

“What?!” I pulled back from her. “I don’t have a ‘dicky do’ or any other kind of ‘do‘. I can see my penis just fine thank you.”

“Don’t get booty hurt”, she said as I stood up to leave.

“I’m not mad” I said, sucking my stomach in just a little bit. “I have to go back to work and I don‘t want to be late.”

We said our good-byes and I decided that from now on, I’m eating lunch alone, I don’t care if I’m sitting at the only table that has seats available I’m not letting anyone sit with me, not even if Michelle Rodriguez walked up to me and asked to sit with me - ok, maybe I’ll let her, but only if she asked roughly. I got up and threw my trash away. I couldn’t help but look down as I walked back to work. I made a mental note to check and see if I could see my penis next time I went to the restroom.