If you follow me on Twitter you may have read little 140 character bits of my vacation, but how much can you really tell in 140 character or less and besides that I wanted to save the best for this blog Before telling you about my vacation I’d like to thank the guest bloggers that posted while I was on vacation - they were all awesome! Please check out their posts and see what great writers they are and more importantly what great people they all are.

Sal at Everyday thoughts from Life

BG at The Badass Geek

Ann at Ann’s Rants

CK at Clark Kent’s Lunchbox.

Thanks - I really appreciate the guest posts and all the support you have given me.

Well, lets get started with the first post about my vacation which actually starts on the night before - don’t worry there is poop and farting in this story

My six year old nephew Cris had a school Easter party on the Friday that we had planned to leave for our vacation. This is his first year of school and his first Easter Party, so we decided that we would let him enjoy it and start the 12 hour drive from Las Vegas Nevada to El Paso Texas after the party. I figured that I would go to sleep early on Thursday night, so I’d be well rested and able to drive a good way before getting tired. I was at work on Thursday when my mom called me:

“Cris’ teacher wants a Peter Cottontail for a wall, so she can take the kids picture with it and give it to their parents. I told her you could do it for her,” I chuckled a bit when I heard that. “So would you do it?”

“Huh?…she wants a what?” I didn’t really know how to respond to that request.

“You know a Peter Cottontail.” my mom said. “You know like ‘Peter Cottontail hopping down the bunny trail hippity hoppity…‘you know what I’m talking about.”

The teacher was already expecting me to come up with a bunny that kids could take their picture with, so I agreed. “Ok, how hard could it be to come up with a Peter Cottontail?”

After work I went to the store and bought art paper, brushes, markers, etc - I also bought a gallon of sweet tea from Raisin’ Cains. If you’ve never had sweet tea from Raisin’ Cains it’s like sugar loaded caffeine - just what I‘d need for a night of Peter Cottontail drawing. I took the paper and taped it together so I’d have a large sheet to work with. I cut, tapped, painted, and cut again until I had a background I thought was good enough for a kindergarten kid to take a picture with.

I looked at the time, it was 6:30 am - I had done it. I had completed the freakin’ Peter Cottontail an hour before the deadline, but my plan for sleep was gone. I would be worthless to drive, so even though she almost drove off a mountain last time we went on this trip, my mom is still the best driver, so she took the first part of the trip. I would take a little nap and drive later, during the night.

As I was driving I couldn’t help but think that so far the trip had been pretty uneventful, then my nephew as if reading my thoughts said, “I gotta’ poop and I think I have diarrhea.” Of course he said this late at night as we were driving through the middle of nowhere. I stepped on the gas driving a little faster as I looked for any sign of a restaurant or gas station - I was looking for any place where my nephew could take a dump, but I didn’t see anything but open road. “Hurry, “ my nephew cried. “I gotta poop real bad. It wants to come out and I can’t stop it.”

It was then that I saw it. The reflective blue sign that said, “Rest Area 2 miles” I announced happily, “There’s a rest area a few miles down the road. We can stop there.”

“I ain’t pooping in no rest area!” my nephew exclaimed. ”There’s scorpions and snakes in the rest areas that sleep in the toilets. They just wait for you to use the rest room and then when you sit down they jump up and bite your butt.”

“No they don’t” I knew he got this Idea from the last time we took this trip and we stopped at a rest are where he saw the signs warning people about scorpions and snakes in the area.

“Yeah they do. They bite you and then the venom makes your butt get real big” he stopped for a bit and then added. “I think Aunt Natalie got bit at a rest area before.”

“What?” I asked as I searched for the rest area exit.

“I think Aunt Natalie got bit on the butt because she’s got a big butt that moves up and down every time she walks. It’s kind of like a horse’s butt.”

“Dude,“ I tried to reason with him while trying not laugh at the thought of Natalie having a big but that moved up and down like a horse’s when she walked. “If you have to poop, then you have to poop even If it’s in a rest area. I’m sure the rest area is not that bad.”

“I‘m not going to poop in the rest area!”

My mom who was sitting in the backseat between my nephew and my niece finally broke her silence, “It’s late and the rest areas are dark and dirty.”

“Yeah,” my nephew agreed. “They’re dark and scary with snakes and scorpions living in the toilets.”

Thanks mom.

I drove past the rest area and soon saw another sign that said “Gas Exit 24B“. “I think we might be in luck.” I said as I pulled off the freeway. “there’s a gas station up ahead.”

“Hurry ‘cause I really, really, really need to poop.” I wanted to tell my nephew that, that’s what he gets for not pooping at the rest area, but I wasn’t about to get into an argument about poop with a six year old.

I drove a few more miles and was about to turn back when I saw the small gas station. It was a little white building and to this moment I can’t remember what it was called, as a matter of fact I don’t even remember a name on it. All I remember is that it looked like a place that was run by some cannibalistic, chain saw wielding, incest breed, mutated government experiment. I pulled up in front of the building, parked and told my nephew to put on his jacket while I went around to get him. I held his hand as we walked up the dirty building and part of me wondered if my nephew was thinking that maybe it would have been better to try his chances with the scorpions and snakes that lived in the toilet than to go here.

“I’m scared” he whispered as I reached for the door handle.

Just as I was about to open the door, all the outside lights went out and metal shutters started to fall down each of the windows. I grabbed my nephew in my arms threw him in the back of the truck, told my mom to buckle him in and pulled out of that parking lot faster than I’ve ever pulled out of any parking lot before.

“I really gotta poop!” my nephew cried. “My stomach is starting to hurt. It wants to come out real bad.”

I saw another little store and stopped there. This place wasn’t as bad as the first place. It was old and dirty, but there were people there - well, young kids buying beer and alcohol. It looked like it was run by two Asian lesbians who stood behind thick plastic walls as they waited on customers. I say they were lesbians because they kept sneaking those loving glances at each other - but they may have been sisters, who knows. I grabbed my nephew and walked quickly through the store to the restrooms in back. We finally made it to the restroom door, but it was lock. I looked up and saw a sign that was handwritten on cardboard with black magic marker, “we know have puplic bath rooms” I wasn’t going to argue with the Asian lesbians, so I grabbed my nephew and carried him back to the truck. I was almost going to go all ghetto and let him take a dump outside but then thought about the snakes and scorpions that lived out in the desert and it would really suck if he did get stung in the ass by one because I told him to take a dump outside the Asian Lesbian store that had “know puplic bath rooms,”

We got back on the freeway and I saw a Chevron which I quickly pulled into.

“Hurry, I really need to go.”

I carried my nephew into the store and asked the lady who was doing a crossword puzzle where the public restrooms were. She didn’t look up from puzzle book as she pointed to the back of the store. I ran with my nephew in my arms and felt a bit of relief when I saw that the walls were adorned with various types of crosses - maybe this was a sign - we had found a restroom and no one had taken a dump in their pants yet.

I set my nephew down and we walked in the stall. He looked at me and said, “Aren’t you going to put the paper on the seat? That’s what granma does so I don’t get germs on my butt.” I put the paper on the seat and waited for him to go. He just stood there and looked up at me.

“what?” I asked.

“You have to stand outside. I need my privacy” I wanted to laugh, but didn’t “but can you stand so I can see your Croc’s”

I stood outside the stall with one foot where he could see it and waited. It wasn’t long before all sorts of noises started coming from my nephew’s stall. He laughed as thunderous fart after thunderous fart came out of him. I couldn’t believe that all that farting was coming from my nephew. The more my nephew farted the more he laughed. I couldn’t help but to laugh either - hey, farts are funny.

Finally he finished and I opened the stall door to help him. I looked in the toilet and saw one little, tiny poop and laughed because all that trouble was due to a little poop.

We were back on our way and things were going smoothly…when out of the darkness I hear my niece‘s voice, “I have to go poop real bad.”