By Clark Kent's Lunchbox


When a guy with a light saber who lives in the desert waves his hand and tells me how I’m looking for the wrong droids, and that he wants me to write a guest post for his blog, it’s difficult to say no. Yet, even without the Jedi mind tricks, I was still flattered by Tony’s invitation, and I hope to do right by him and his readers with an entertaining post.

Speaking of Tony’s home in the desert oasis, I’d like to mention how strange it is for me to imagine regular people actually living in Las Vegas, getting up going to work in the morning, putting in a full day, and returning to their families that evening amidst all gaudiness of the Vegas strip. I mean, it seems plausible, like in the same way it’s conceivable that Darth Vader fathered twins who one day grew to lead three-foot, cuddly Ewoks in crushing a decades-long galactic dictatorship. Anything’s possible these days, but based on my visits to Sin City, living a normal life there is akin to being a galaxy far, far away.

I’ve been to Vegas somewhere around 10 or 12 times in the past eight years, at first for business and then eventually for… well, other than business. Early on, I was pretty close to clueless about how things worked there, I wasn’t a heavy drinker, I never went to clubs, choosing to hit the hay early, and I certainly didn’t gamble. You could say I looked something like Luke Skywalker walking off the moisture farm and into that seedy cantina full of all those freaks. In time though, and with the help of my best friend, a character reminiscent of Han Solo, all that changed. Now I consider myself quite the master at navigating all the ins and outs of Vegas, and I’d like to pass a few of those lessons on to those who may find them helpful.

Tip 1. Do not stay for more than 4 days & 3 nights. On the first trip I took with my buddy Han Solo, we stayed for a week (yes, a week). When we left, his pupils were uneven for a week, I had a month-long migraine, and his poor wife suffered from a urinary tract infection (from all the vodka she drank). 

Tip 2. Do see at least one show. My recommendation? The Return of the Rat Pack. I’m a big fan of Sinatra, Dino and Sammy so this was a must, and I paid for the dinner performance, envisioning a stunning performance of Rat Pack antics. Don’t be fooled if you go. The Styrofoam plates & bowel I ate my steak and salad from while sitting at a row of fold-out tables was as classy as the performance. It’s a can’t miss, and a real value at $75.

Tip 3. Do go during Halloween. You’ll feel better about yourself as you see the ridiculous costumes people wear, like vampires, sexy cops and one Clark Kent. Another holiday I recommend is Easter. There is nothing like attending a sunrise service at an after-hours nightclub where double jointed hipsters are break dancing to techno gospel music. The Resurrection never seemed so cool.

Tip 4. Do not disclose to co-workers where you were at. After returning from a Halloween trip I mentioned my where’s and when’s to a fellow sales-manager who suddenly became very excited. “My daughter was there too! It was her 21st birthday! Did you see her?!” Now, given the circumstances, especially during such a raucous weekend, it’s highly unlikely to run into a co-worker’s (very) attractive, young daughter, even if she’s at the same club as you. “She was dressed as a the cop!”
Oh, not the cop! Why did she have to be the cop? “Nope. Didn’t see her.”

Tip 5. Do be hospitable if you happen to see the CEO of your company. During another fun evening at an exclusive club, my friends and I were shocked watching our CEO sauntering across the dance floor to a VIP table several booths over from our own. What are the odds of a company’s employees from Houston and Chicago bumping into their Miami-based boss at exactly the same time and place in Vegas (pretty good as it turns out)? Doing the only right thing that could be done, we sent him a round of drinks courtesy of his latest corporate initiative, and because Han Solo was such good friends with the club owner, those drinks also included very young hot ladies. Somehow pictures ended up on the web. Weird.

Tip 6. Do avoid gorgeous women that are out of your league… even if they aggressively approach you. Turns out these ladies are some sort of “professional.” At the time, I didn’t realize this, choosing to believe fate had caused a beautiful woman to twist her ankle on the dance floor and fall into my arms. I carried her out of the club, blushing as she commented on my strong arms. However, after answering her question concerning my hotel accommodations (I shared one with Mr. Solo and Princess Leah), she bound from my arms and ran to the bathroom. I still hadn’t caught on and followed her all the way out of the casino and out to her car driven by her “business manager.”

I hope that these tips are helpful to anyone planning a Las Vegas getaway, but I would also suggest a tourist travel sight first as some may consider the above advice to be “isolated incidents.” In any case, it’s the experiences behind these tips that have impaired my ability to see how wholesome, good-natured, down-to-earth people could exist anywhere within the orbit of such a skewed universe. That was until finding others on the blogosphere who live in Vegas and are exactly that. People like Jedi Master Tony.

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Thank you CK Lunchbox for a great post. It's funny because when I first came across Clark Kent's Lunchbox I lurked on the site for a long time before I actually posted a comment. I lurked on the blog because I was intimidated by how well written the posts were and by how smart the writer seemed to be. I'm glad that I continued to read his blog and that I posted the first comment that led to many more. Please visit Clark Kent's Lunchbox and don't be intimidated to leave a comment - he's a great guy and very caring individual.