By Ann’s Rants

Tip-toeing out of Two-year-old’s room tonight, I felt nostalgic

SCREEEAAACH. Needled pulled across record. Traffic halted. Curtain!

This is Tony’s blog. I will not muse of marriage and parenthood and child antics. Tony, after receiving the honor of your invitation to guest post, I want to do right by your readers.

And so, I now present you the story of how a boobless teenage girl spends the night with an anonymous nerd, in an effort to avoid getting busted by her parents. I promise Mom, you can keep reading. Really. Its okay.

So. Take two.

Tip-toeing out of Two-year-old’s room tonight, I felt nostalgic. My education of straddling squeaky floorboards in hallways and staircases, and knowing exactly how much pressure to apply to silence a doorknob began in High School. More specifically, in the dead of night, when I snuck out of my house. Tee hee.

My unique brand of High School popularity landed me on the elite homecoming court, but with no date for the dance. The girls loved me. The guys in my class…liked me! The older guys…had absolutely nothing to say to me. My friend Ria recently clued me in on the big WHY NOT. As in "Why not me?" Aren’t I pretty enough? Aren’t I funny enough? Don’t guys dig earnestnesss? Ria said…boobs. The guys only dated girls with boobs. My girlfriends, the "haves," dated upperclassman. Even as a "have not" I still found myself in social situations with these dudes.

Some kids drank to numb the pain of adolescence and family dysfunction. I mainly drank to maintain some bragging rights. Drinking solidified my social status, sort of like honorary boob-dom. I’d typically sip one warm, improperly tapped Old Milwaukee in a plastic cup for hours. What on earth did I do during these parties? The only conversation with the guys consisted of a glazed –over "hhhheyyyyyyy" and nod under the low-lying brim of a baseball cap, until they disappeared one-by-one with each of my friends. The girlfriendless guys played euchre, did shots, and made fun of each other until someone cried or maybe got hit. I suppose I sat with this sad little posse, fake-laughing at their jokes and convincing noone that euchre made a great spectator sport.

After a ritual run-from-the-police kegger party break-up one night, I found myself locked out of my prearranged sleep over. So rather than go back home and face questioning at a wee hour, my unformed pre-frontal cortex accepted the offer of a relative stranger to sleep at his house. What? Really Ann?!? The guy didn’t even go to our school, but he seemed pretty nerdy (safe) and it’s not as though he had his own apartment. We’d simply sneak into his parents’ house, instead of me sneaking into my own. Oh Kayyyyyy.

He threw me over his shoulders while climbing the stairs to his bedroom, so his parents heard only one set of feet. Imagine a groom carrying his bride over his shoulder. This bride, however, had absolutely no desire to "git" with her groom. Which made perfect sense as I climbed into a twin bed with a teenage boy in his tighty whities…

He never made a move. We just lay, silent, in tandem, like frozen sausage links. Things remained obscenely chaste. I believe his mother came into the doorway to talk to him early in the morning, and I hid in the crevice between the bed and the wall. At some point I darted down the stairs and out of the house, with his parents none-the-wiser. I think. I think. So that’s the story of how a boobless girl spent the night with an anonymous nerd, and successfully avoided punishment. And I was the rebel of the family. Sigh.

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Thank you Ann for a great post - I really enjoyed this a lot -
There are a few things that I can I love, such as chocolate chip cookies and chicken wings, but not at the same time - I can also say that I love Ann's Rants. I never know what I'm going to get when I click on her page - from her take on Yoga, to the funny things her kids say and do, to writing about a woman's missing cervix -  the thing I know I will find everytime I click on her page is that no matter what she writes about it's going to be good. She's a great writer and I love her sense of humor. On another note, I've found out that she's a very caring person and I thank her for her concern and words of encouragement when I needed them. Go check out Ann's Rants - I'm sure you'll love it as much as I do

For my next blogger all I can say is that when I read his post I couldn't help but think that it was Super.