After a day of running around on the street, I decided to stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things for dinner. I like this particular store because it’s close to my house and it’s a small place where most of the employees know me by name. I go there almost everyday - one of the employees told me that they’re going to have to put me on the payroll because I‘m there so often. As I walked around the store I had the sudden urge to go piss (I was told by someone that reads this blog that women pee and guys piss, so I had to piss), so I rushed to the restroom. I’ve been to this store many times and even though I have shy bladder syndrome I’ve used the restroom there many times just because I feel comfortable there. As I walked into the restroom I noticed that they had not only cleaned the urine off the floor, they had painted and remodeled the whole thing. The strangest thing was that they had taken out the one urinal they had before and replaced it with a smaller stall and a brand new toilet. I figured it was because you can get more use from a toilet than from a urinal - I mean with a toilet you can stand and piss or you can sit and … well, you get the picture.

I walked into the small stall because the large one was being used. I wound the toilet paper around my hand until I had a good sized wad of paper, then I used it to lift the toilet seat up, a trick my aunt showed me when I was a kid so that when I got married I would make my wife happy by not pissing all over the seat. She also taught me to put paper on the seat when I had to take a dump so I wouldn’t get my ass bit by the toilet bugs. I was about to piss when I heard the loudest fart ever come from the bigger stall next to me. I started laughing, I couldn’t help it because I’m sure the guy’s butt cheeks were flapping for a good fifteen seconds or more. The guy didn’t say anything, he just continued with his business as if it was natural to have another guy laugh as you fart while in a public restroom. I was about to let loose with the stream when I saw a sign next to the brand new toilet that said

“Women, please make sure you hold the handle down so the toilet will flush”

I looked around and for the first time noticed that the walls were a bright pink color and there was a picture of an oiled up guy sunning himself on a beach hanging behind the toilet just above the ass protector wrapper dispenser. I was in the women’s restroom and to make things worse there was a woman in the stall next me farting and doing her business. I had to get out of there quickly before anyone saw me. I zipped up my pants and reached for the door handle to make my way out of the stall before the lady in the stall next to me came out. I jumped back and almost yelled when door rattled just before my hand reached for the door handle. There was a woman on the other side trying to get into my little pink stall.

“I’m sorry” she said as she walked to the mirrors across from the stalls to fix her hair, make-up or whatever while she waited for the stall to become available.

I cleared my throat in the most feminine way I could and hoped that she thought I was an old woman who had smoked all my life and now sounded like a grouchy old man. I was afraid that she would look under the stall and see that my feet were facing the wrong direction for a women using the restroom, so I put the lid down and sat there waiting for the farting lady to finish or for the hair and make-up lady to get tired and leave. I watched the lady through the crack in the stall door as she fixed her hair and looked at her watch.

I’m an average size guy - I know there are lots of guys who are taller and bigger than me and I know there are some women who are taller and bigger than me too, but at the same time I was afraid the hair and make-up woman would look  under the stall and see my size 11 Crocs and demand that I open the door. In my mind I could hear her yell, “Open the door! I know you’re a man! I can tell by your Crocs. I’m calling the police you pervert!” Hey, you think weird thoughts when you’re trapped in a public restroom stall. My heart was racing and my brain was trying to come up with a story to tell the authorities once they came in and forced me from the small stall in the pink lady’s restroom of the grocery store where everyone knows me.

I was starting to sweat and I really had to piss bad. For just a split second, I thought about sitting there and taking a piss, but something about that just seemed wrong to me, so I held it in and I waited. I watched the hair and make-up lady through the crack feeling like a little voyeuristic - “No officer I wasn’t peeping the lady in the restroom. I just didn’t have anything else to do except piss and for some reason I just can‘t do that sitting down - it‘s just not right.” Finally, the farting lady got up and flushed the toilet. I don’t know what she was doing in that stall but she flushed the toilet two more times before coming out.  I looked through the door crack, I had to see what this woman looked like. She was an older lady with sunglasses that had one lens popped out, so it looked like she had glasses with one dark lens and one clear lens. The first thing I thought was, “Arrrrg, she’s a farting pirate.” I’m sorry, I’m a guy, I’m trapped in a woman’s restroom, and I’m immature - sue me.

The hair and make-up lady walked into the empty stall and I could hear her let out a “whoa” as she reached for an ass protector sheet. I waited a few seconds after the farting pirate left before I slowly opened the stall door. I didn’t want to come out right behind her and have her see me come out of the woman’s restroom with her one good eye then call security.

I opened the door slowly and walked quickly out of the restroom and straight into the men’s restroom. I don’t know that I’ve ever been so happy to walk into a room with a dirty stall and urine spots on the floor as I was at that time. I stood there looking at the picture of the lady in a red two piece bathing suit sunning herself on the beach that was hung over the urinal and I let out a long sigh feeling a great relief.