The Bag

I'd like to start off by wishing Tony a Happy Birthday. Hopefully today finds him surrounded by nothing but happiness and perhaps a few sultry showgirls -- but not those kind whose faces look like plastic, they creep me out.

I would also like to thank Tony for honoring me by asking me to guest post. I'm always grateful whenever someone has enough confidence in me to allow me to subject their blog to my rambling stories.

We'll cut to the chase...
Working at a university, I encounter  a lot of students that I get to know. The fun thing about getting to know them is that they have the goofiest things happen to them and they love to share. I don't know if it's the age or college itself, but I know most of my dumbassery happened in college. Most of it didn't get this weird though...



There's a student (we'll call her Trixie) who went drinking with her boyfriend one night. They had a good time full of inebriatory fun and when they got home, there was a Burger King bag in the middle of their living room floor -- sweet, it's like pennies from heaven... free grub.

Then they opened the bag.

Inside was... well... poop. That's right, a bag o' poop in the middle of their living room floor and they have no dog. They've obviously made friends in low places.

So they call the police.

The police arrive and interestingly enough, the responding officer is the exact same officer who showed up at their door last week. Now last week, Trixie's boyfriend had an 'episode' (he's on some sturdy meds and forgot to take them) and Trixie called the police to see if they could use their supreme skills of negotiation to "talk him down."

Have I mentioned that I live in a small town? The training for the cops in my town generally ends after the phrase, "and that is how NOT to shoot yourself by accident." Our officers could give Barney Fife a run for his money but they would get even odds at best.

The boys in blue arrived. BF was at his best and they wanted to cuff him. Trixie intervened and then proceed to yell at the officer. Both Trixie and her boyfriend ended up being tasered that night.

Sweet negotiation skills, eh?

Flash forward to this week's show, "The Bag."

Everyone stared at the bag for a while. Trixie and her BF with a certain dread and the officer mostly with a palpable apathy. Finally, after deciding that the Burger King himself hadn't done it -- and he totally could have since he's a freaky bastard -- the officer decided to take a report.

When he finished writing stuff down for his report, he turned to leave.

Trixie asked, "Aren't you going to take The Bag with you? So you can figure out whose it is?"

The officer stopped and replied, "Ma'am, this is Lock Haven, not CSI: Las Vegas."

Personally, I think it was the cop getting them back for wearing down his taser batteries but we'll never know now. Where's Gil Grissom when you need him?
Once again, a big thanks to Tony. If you've clicked over from my blog, thank you for doing so and take some time to kick around Tony's blog. He's a great story teller and an excellent writer. you won't be sorry you did.

Posted by Jim at 1/8/2009 1:30 AM
Categories: Law Enforcement, Guest Bloggers
Tags: Policemen Small Towns
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