I can’t believe how fast this year has gone by. It seems like only yesterday that we had a small 2008 New Year’s Eve party where a couple of people got drunk on Jell-o shots and ran streaking down the front of my street, which is a pretty busy street as far as traffic is concerned. Cars were honking and flashing their lights at my friends. That year I saw more of some friends than I ever cared to see. This year we had a quiet New Year’s Eve get together and there wasn’t any streaking involved. The only thing I can think of that’s even worse than seeing your friends run naked in front of your house is being sick during the holidays.

I couldn’t believe how quickly and how bad I got sick while on vacation from work. It all started a couple of weeks ago when my sister-in-law flew in from out town for the holidays. Along with two beautiful children she brought a little bug called tonsillitis which she graciously passed on to me. It attacked and beat the hell out of me. Every bone in my body was achy and I was walking around the house like a 108 year old man. Every time I swallowed it felt like I was swallowing broken glass and razor blades. I think I may have also gotten an ear infection because it felt like someone took two metal rods jammed them through my eardrums and were trying to push my eyeballs out of their sockets from behind. Normally when I’m sick I like to revert to the helpless kid who needs constant attention and home cooked chicken soup, but when you have a house with four adorable kids running around, you really don’t get much attention, not even if you are swallowing broken glass and razor blades.

If you know me, then you know that I have just about have to be dying before I’ll even take an aspirin. I hate to take medication and I hate to see medical doctors, which is kind of funny considering that I work in a medical clinic. At one point I got so sick that I couldn’t even open my mouth because it hurt so much. I couldn’t help but wonder if some people were secretly happy that I couldn’t open my mouth because then they didn’t have to hear me talk. In my mind I was thinking that maybe I had some sort of lockjaw or that I had hit myself during the night and now I had some sort of infection that was going to grow and multiply until it took over my mouth and I would be forced to eat my food through a straw and the thought of eating a creamed cheeseburger was not too appealing to me. I woke up and said, “I have to go to the doctor” The fact that I wanted to see a doctor voluntary and that there was still an unopened package of Kebler chocolate chip cookies in the house worried my family because then they knew I was really sick.

My brother told me to wait while he finished eating his Frosted Flakes and he would go with me to see the doctor, but I didn’t have time. I was knocking on death‘s door and I didn‘t have time to wait for anyone to have their breakfast. I was out the door and at the doctor’s office before my brother had a chance to say “They‘re Great!” I was a walk-in at the office so the wait was long. I sat there wondering what would happen if I fell over in my chair and just died right then and there. I wondered if they would leave me there and just walk over my dead body until it was my turn to be seen. I also wondered if they would show the footage of me falling over dead on youtube and if my brother would be able to post it on it here. I have to admit that I also wondered how many comments I would get on it. I sat there wondering all these things until finally, I was called back. The doctor who looked like a little twelve year old Asian kid with spiked, yellow tipped hair examined me. He told me he was going to prescribe some antibiotics and something else for the swelling.

“Would you like an antibiotic shot?” The doc asked.

“Dude, I was hoping you would ask me that.” I said. I didn’t care where they gave it to me, even if it was on my butt cheek - I made sure I had clean underwear just in case.

“take this sheet to the blue chairs and I’ll have a nurse give you an antibiotic shot.” I took the sheet to the area where the blue chairs were, took my seat and waited for the nurse.

While I was waiting the young girl that checked me in walked by, “Oh poor baby are you still waiting to be seen?” She asked.

I wanted to jump up and hug her. She was the first person to give me a little bit of sympathy and she even called me baby. I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her how I thought I was going to die because every time I swallowed my throat hurt so bad. I wanted to tell her that I was going to waste away to nothingness if my jaw swelled shut and I couldn’t eat. I wanted to let her that I had seen and fought off the angels who were trying to take to the afterlife. I smiled at her and managed to say, “wait…anti…body…shot”

“Oh baby, the nurse is at lunch, but she should be back soon.”

I smiled a goofy smile and waited happily for the nurse to come back from lunch. The clerk was right, it didn’t take long for the nurse to come back, she called me to her office and I dropped my pants ready for the shot that would take all the pain away. “Sir, we give the shot on the arm, not the rear.”

“that’s even better.” I said pulling up my pants and taking off my shirt.

She gave me the shot then told me I was done and could leave now. Modern medicine is amazing because it didn’t take long for me to feel better, but I continued to take the medication as the doctor had told me to because I didn’t want to create a super bug of tonsillitis and ear infection viruses. I was up and about feeling well and then I felt it - a little tickle at the back of my throat. I coughed. My eyes went wide with fear, “Not the cough” I thought. All this time I had managed to avoid the cough, but now it looked like my luck had run out. I coughed again, then I coughed again and again. Before I knew it, I was hawking and coughing up phlegm, so much phlegm that I even started thinking that I should gather it all up and form a little phlegm buddy with his own theme song.

My phlegm buddy and me
Hanging out together
For all the world to see

He’s a little sticky
A little slimy
And some might call him “icky”

My phlegm buddy and me
Hanging out together
For all the world to see

He might be made of mucus
But I love him
Just ‘cause

He’s like a Jell-O jiggler
Except a little bigger

He’s my phlegm buddy
He’s my phlegm buddy
He’s my phlegm buuuuuuuuuuuddddddyyyyyyyyy!

Yeah! Cha! Cha! Cha!

Uh, ok...maybe it’s time to take some more medication and get some more sleep.