Every month a group of my friends and I get together for dinner. We're a diverse crew with people of different ages and backgrounds It's a group you would not see together in any other setting because everyone is so different. If I had to guess, I would say that the thing that holds the group together is that we all truly like each other. It was my friend Chris' turn to choose the restaurant for this month’s gathering. Chris is the youngest of the group and he’s half Korean. Normally that would not matter except this time he warned us that he might choose a Korean restaurant and he wanted to know if it was ok with everyone. He told us that he didn't want to hear anyone complain about the place or the food, apparently, he thinks our group is made up of crude, obnoxious people who are going to make fun of cuisine that we normally wouldn't eat. We told him that Korean food would be fine, the whole taking turns choosing where to go was about trying different places and hanging out with friends so any place he choose would be good.

On the day of the dinner Chris looked at me and said, "you better not act stupid and make fun of the place I picked because I gave you guys lots of chances to choose another place. I kept asking you guys if you wanted to eat somewhere else and you guys didn't say anything, so you better not make fun of the food or anything. It's my culture and that's the food that I grew up on." I think the world of my friend Chris, but one thing I can say about him is that he loves to talk, and man can he talk. "This is the kind of food my mom makes…my dad doesn't eat this food, but my mom and I eat it…I'm serious, you better not make fun of it…"

I did what I normally do when I'm hanging out with Chris, I just sort of tuned him out until there was finally a long enough pause for me to get a word in. I looked at him with the most innocent face I could make and responded with, "Dude, why would I make fun of the place? It's me you're talking to, remember?"

He gave me a sideways glance "Yeah that's what I'm afraid of."

"Hey, in all seriousness, I may not know what to order so I might ask you what's good," I paused for a little bit then added, "or maybe I'll just order a side of snails and puppy dog tails." He thought that kind of funny because he chuckled a little bit, but even so, he didn't think it was as funny as I thought it was.

"All I'm saying is you better not make fun of it…"

“Dude, I’m not going to say anything…trust me.”

The restaurant was located in the middle of a predominately-gay shopping mall. Gay bars and stores that displayed bondage devices and adult sex toys in their windows surrounded the restaurant. At the end of the mall was a men's only gym and spa where later someone would tell us that the gym was the place for guys to hook up with other guys for rough guy play.

I was right, as I had told Chris earlier, I didn't know what to order so I asked him for some suggestions. The menu was in Korean with little English titles such as "Pork with red sauce" printed by the pictures of the dish. I didn't know what to order, so the waitress went around the whole table and took my order last. I ordered a seafood dish but the waitress shook her head no and said something in Korean. Her tone was as if she were reprimanding me for something I did or didn‘t do. It was like a bad kung-fu movie. I expected her to say something like, "Choose your food and choose wisely or you will meet a certain and painful death." I felt like a little kid being scolded by my momma, if my momma had been Korean.

I think she may have said that the dish was something she thought I would not like, but how could she know what I liked or didn't like. My friend Chris said that she was only trying to help me out by suggesting that I might not like the seafood platter.

I started to order a pork dish when my friend Pilar suddenly blurted out, "Maybe you shouldn't order the pork." I looked at her afraid to ask why I shouldn’t order the pork. I didn't have to ask, she just told me whether I wanted to know or not. "I saw this program on The Discovery Channel the other day about parasites. One of the stories was about a lady who ate pork ribs while she was in Korea."

"Come on." I said not believing anything about this story.

"I'm serious." Pilar continued. "This lady started getting these bad headaches and was feeling dizzy all the time. Finally she couldn't take it anymore so she went to the doctor and guess what they found?"

"I don't know. Korean pork?"

"Tony, God doesn't like ugly. You shouldn't make fun of it because it's true. They found that she had worms eating holes in her brain."

"Oh come on, she had worms eating holes in brain because she ate pork ribs."

"That's what they said on the program. She got the worms from the pork. Can you imagine eating ribs and thinking 'these ribs are so good' and not knowing that you're actually eating ribs full of parasite eggs that will hatch and eat holes in your brain."

I looked up at the waitress, "I think I'll pass on the ribs."

I could tell the waitress was frustrated. I'm sure she was thinking something like "Dumb ass Americans, they don't know good food. They aren't happy unless their meals come wrapped in paper with pictures of clowns on it."

My friend suggested something called bulgogi (sp) I'm pretty sure I spelled that wrong, but that's how it's pronounced. We decided to split the bulgogi just in case I didn't like it. I looked at the menu and after another three minutes or so I finally decided to order a plate of stir fry, spicy octopus in a blood red sauce with lots of onions. When I ordered my dish, I ordered it as if asking a question. "I'll try the octopus in the red sauce?" The waitress smiled and nodded, pleased with my choice.

"You have chosen wisely young grasshopper."


The thing that surprised me was all the little side dishes that were bought out with our food. I wish I could write down the names of the things we ate, but I can't remember any of the names, all I know is that the food was good and the jokes were kept to a minimum.

As I ate my octopus I was suddenly hit by this weird fear that I'd wake up the next day with octopus tentacles slithering through my brain and my friend would see my story on The Discovery Channel.

********

Coming tomorrow: Let’s eat Korean food Part II – Chris gets groped