So Tony made the mistake of asking me to guest post a few times for the next week while he is away. Muahaahaa. *rubbing hands together with an evil diabolical grin*

So let's dive right in shall we?

When I first met Tony, and by met, I mean he hopped over to my blog, left a witty comment, and vanished into thin air, he struck me as someone who had a little bit of dark humor. My curiosity got the best of me (as it usually does, I'm just glad I'm not a cat) and I had to check out his blog. I decided to rummage through his archives and found a seamless trail of continuity running throughout.

What is this continuous theme you might ask?

Only one of my favorites to read about, ponder over, and discuss! Yep, you guessed it, flatulence and all things of a rather gassy nature. So when Tony asked me to guest post, I decided to pick up this world of his and run with it (Discretionary statement: This blog and owner do, in no way, condone the act of picking up, let alone running with, methane or any other bodily secretions, due to the recent outbreak of pink eye in schools across the world, in which we can neither confirm nor deny having any part of).

If you get a chance, go back through and read some of the archives about where Tony works. It is quite humorous and seems like that dysfunctional family you only wish you had. You know, the one where the big sister leaves the bathroom in such a way that it brings tears to your eyes, literally, and your mother goes around taking stuff from your room. Yea, that one...you got it now!

I digress, today we will discuss the art, yes, you read correctly, the art of passing gas, cutting the cheese, dropping the stink bomb, call it what you will, but run when it occurs. As it seems, there are quite a few people that do not understand the complexity we as a male species put into our, well, output. There is careful planning, timing, and of course the quick exit that all must take place within a matter of seconds otherwise our devious plans will be compromised.

Below is a small list of types of farts, how they come into being, some tricks to making them successful, and how to avoid them if you are the intended target.

Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart
The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odor. The trick to this is to make sure you have a chair with a cushion and some steady arm rests that are well attached. Take a firm grasp on the handles push yourself into the cushion and proceed with ease. If you are the intended target, just pretend that you left something in your car and immediately flee the building for some fresh clean air.

Escape Pod Fart
You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard, much like an SBD. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough, sputter and become teary eyed. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

Crop Dusting
Passing gas in a stealth manor, usually while walking through a crowd or a group, so that someone else gets blamed for the stench, or at the very least people besides the assailant must suffer it. If these are silent, they can almost be carried out anywhere at any time, but if there is noise accompanying, make sure you release as your foot lands, that way you can cover the noise. Times when Crop Dusting might backfire; with a strong tail wind, on a treadmill (doesn't matter how fast you are going), or during the stop and greet i.e. if you are walking and someone stops you to say hi, no matter who they are, you must continue walking for fear of being called out.

On The Spot Fart
You didn't even know it was there, but suddenly 'Brrmp'. Sorry, but there is no way out of this one. Own up to it, claim it, whatever you must, and go about your day feeling as if you have failed your final mission. Don't mind the jokes that follow, just start planning for your next assault.

Stalker Fart
Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into the room, but low and behold, the foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticized for poor manners. Refer back to the On The Spot Fart for feelings and how to proceed.

GNL Fart
Gambled 'n' lost. You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a fart...carefully make your way to the nearest restroom and take care of the situation before it gets out of hand.

As you can see, this is a select few of the many different types out there. All have their own place and time, and if executed properly, will give you and your buddies many years of laughter after the fact. On that note (pun intended) I leave you for today. Ponder over your life lesson and put it into practical use. I will be back on Monday for another post that has absolutely nothing to do with farting, or at least I think it won't.


This guest post was written by Sal Vilardo, author of Everyday Thoughts from Life. If you liked this post, go check out his blog and subscribe to his feed.