Call me old fashion, call me a dreamer, call me a male chauvinistic pig, but I think women should be beautiful, frail creatures who are dainty and do dainty things. Don't get me wrong, jut like any other sado masochistic male out there I like a woman who could knock me around, beat the hell out of me and then make me waffles in the morning. The thing I don't want is a woman who can fart louder or more smelly than I can. There are women out there that so beautiful that when you see them , you never think "wow, she's beautiful, but I bet she can let 'em rip like nobody's business." At the same time there women, like one of my co-workers who you look at and you know they're always farting leaving a trail of little, smelly gas bubbles popping behind them as they walk down the hallway.

She really is farting all the time, at least I hope she's always farting and that what I smell is not her natural smell, that would be really bad. I guess there are many reasons why a person could smell bad - once one of my uncles told me about one of my cousins who as a little kid stuck a bean up her nose and forgot about it, after a while she started to smell bad like a week old chunk of cheese in sweaty gym socks. She was starting to smell because the bean was going bad in her nose. Every time she was around they would sniff the air, look around and wonder what the smell was then they would point at her and say, "It's only ----" (I'll leave her name blank because she might read this and then kill me for sharing this story). Eventually, she was known as the smelly kid of the family. Finally, when he couldn't take it anymore, her dad took her to the doctor who found the source of the smell and removed the bean. After that, she was back to a normal smelling kid.

I don't think my co-worker has a bean or anything else stuck up her nose so for the sake of grossiness (I think I made that word up) I'm going to assume that she is constantly farting as she's walking. Step. Fart. Step. Fart. Step. Fart. It almost sounds like a bad dance routine. Maybe I could write a song about it:

Tiny Bubbles

Popping behind you

Tiny Bubbles

Everyone holding their breath until they turn blue

Tiny Bubbles

Pop, pop, popping behind you

Little bursts of smelly farts

Stinging eyes like darts

Little trails of smelly air

That curls my nose hair

Tiny Bubbles

Popping behind you

I don't want to be hypocritical, so I'll share a personal story with you about me and farting. Hey, we all do it - whether we admit or not. When I was in elementary school they used to make us run a mile every year. I used to think that if I farted as I ran then the little bursts of air coming out behind me would propel me and I'd finish the mile run with a faster speed. Hey, I was a little kid, what did I know? I would eat eggs, beans and whatever other food I could think of that would make me fill with gas the night before the run. I don't think it made me run any faster, but it may have slowed down the people behind me.

Now, every time I write about using a public restroom I start with the words, "If you know me in real life then you know one thing I hate is going to a public restroom" so, let me start this with: If you know me in real life then you know one thing I hate is going to a public restroom…I guess I'm just a private person, I don't want people in the same room as I'm in when waste products are leaving my body and by the same token, I don't want to be in the same room as someone else's waste products leave their body. I know it's a natural thing, not much different from eating and breathing but even so, I'd rather not be around when it happens to someone else.

As much as I hate public restrooms, there comes a time when the call of nature is just too strong or you have to use the restroom for other things such as washing your hands before lunch. During those times you have to use the public restroom, even if that restroom is located less than ten feet from where you and your friends work. The thing I like is the fact that where I work we have two restrooms that are individual use only, so you're not in there when someone else is grunting, groaning, moaning, and farting. You can still smell it in the hallway though and there's a guy where I work who goes in every morning and we all swear he has a religious experience in the restroom because it smells up the whole place, but that's another story.

The other day, I went to the employee restroom to wash my hands before lunch. As soon as I put my hand on the door handle my co-worker opened it from the other side, bouncing out as if she were skipping happily down the yellow brick road. As much as I hated to go in the restroom after my tiny bubble farting co-worker, I really didn't have a choice. It would seem too rude to turn away from the door as she was coming out of the restroom, so I walked in.

"Oh my God!" My brain screamed. I don't know if the words came out of my out of mouth or not because I was too disoriented by the smell of the restroom. I'm hoping I didn't say anything out loud because I don't like to think that smell went in my mouth. Tears were flowing from my eyes and my nose went on strike, refusing to smell anything - it's kind of like your body going into shock. I didn't even let the door shut behind me before I threw myself out into the hallway taking in long breaths of non fart polluted air. I was heaving and gagging - it really was that bad. In my whole entire life I never thought a woman could leave a room smelling that bad.

"I'm not going in that one." I said out loud as I headed toward the next restroom. I rubbed my eyes, looked up and found myself staring into the eyes of my tiny bubble farting co-worker and for some reason these lyrics popped into my head:

Tiny Bubbles

Popping behind you

Tiny Bubbles

Everyone holding their breath until they turn blue…