I realized that I like my stuff. I work hard for my stuff. I know you can’t take it with you when you die, but that doesn’t matter to me right now. When I die I could care less what happens to it, but while I’m alive – I like my stuff. I like to look at my stuff, touch my stuff (haha) and collect my stuff. As I said, I’m more materialist than I care to admit. I have more geeky stuff than any adult should have. I have Star Wars figures, Lego sets, comic books, comic book art, and I used to have a Heath Ledger Joker Bobble Head.
The demise of the bobble head is still a mystery to me. I just came home from work one day and it was standing on the dresser where he has stood since the day I got him, but something was different about him. He was not standing on the base anymore - the base was laying on the floor. Everyone said that it must have been my one year old niece who broke it. She has a motive - she loves that Joker bobble head. She likes to bob her head along with it when you make it bob it's head. The only flaw in that is that she's too short to reach up and put it back on the dresser, so I'm sure it was not her.
In the whole scheme of things it doesn't matter who broke it. The thing that really bothers me about the whole thing is the way I felt when I found it. I was angry because my stuff was broken. The first thing I did was look on Ebay to see how much it would cost to replace it. It's funny because the only time I even thought about the Heath Ledger Joker Bobble Head was when I would take it down and show it to my niece otherwise it was as if it never existed, until it was broken.
My youngest nephew saw it and decided that he would try to fix it, so he stood it on the base and then ran out the room. The thing is that as he ran out the room he accidentally knocked it over and the whole thing fell to the floor and broke even more. I could tell he felt bad about breaking because all he was trying to do was fix it so I would feel better. He came up to me, hugged me, and said he was sorry for breaking my Joker Bobble Head.
As he said that I realized that I was getting to attached to my material things and I was putting more importance to them than I should be. Don't get me wrong, I still love my stuff, but it's not the most thing in my life - not even close. The most important thing I learned from my Heath Ledger Joker Bobble Head is that it's just a bobble head
He had a stroke and ended up in the hospital, but in my heart I knew he was going to make it and pull through. I knew he was going to beat this, even after the doctor told us there wasn't any hope for him. I believed that God or whoever, whatever would save him and life would be back to normal. It didn’t happen that way and his death took me on a dark personal journey. It was a strange and difficult time for me. I felt as if I had to be strong and be there for everyone else, but I felt like I was alone without anyone being there for me. It was a dark time that is just now starting to get better. One of the things that haunted me most was the fact that I felt like I was not a good son or the son he wanted especially toward the end of his life. As I said before, I really believed he was going to make it out of the hospital, so I thought I had more time. I had plenty of time to be the good son, but I was wrong. I guess that’s how life is – you never know what’s going to happen next or when you're waking up on that last morning of your life.
As this year comes to an end I know that the things I went through will make me into that person that I may not necessarily want to be, but am destined to be. I know that there are things that don't seem so important to me anymore and for a lack of a better term: I give less fucks about - and that's not really a bad thing when you think about it.
It's that time of the year when people make promises to themselves to do better or be a better person. I don’t really make New Year’s resolutions because I never really stick to them. I think the only time I ever made a New Year’s Resolution that I followed through on is when I decided to eat more chocolate chip cookies in the year. I kept that resolution and was happy doing it. So as this year ends I can say without a doubt that I’m looking forward to next year. It’s almost a liberating feeling of leaving 2013 behind and starting everything new. As I look out to the city, I can’t help but look forward to the future ... I’m expecting good things from 2014.
I’ll admit that I had to face my own inner demons after my father died, mostly the feeling that I failed him as a son. I was going to the gym constantly and I felt like I was going to the gym more than I was going to see him, but the thing is that in my heart of hearts I really believed that he was going to pull this and he was going to come home and things would eventually get back to normal. I went through a time when I lost faith in God and started to lose my belief in Him. I’ll admit that I was never a big religious person, but there was always that little spark of faith in my heart – after my father died it felt like that spark died too. I struggled with that for a while, but in the end I came out of it. I can’t say that my faith is stronger, but I can say that the spark is still there.
There are still times when I feel like he’s going to walk in the door or I find myself thinking “I can’t wait to show this or that to my dad” or “I wonder what dad will say about this…” I don’t know if that will pass or not, but I do know that no matter what happens I’m going to be ok and the dark spot is almost all gone.
My father had a stroke and that changed many things. It had a ripple effect, affecting things that I didn’t think something like that would affect. I’m not going to go into too many details here, but it really does seem that when “it rains, it pours.” Life just got a little more complicated and in the whole scheme of things I guess no one cares if I draw 100 pieces of crappy art or not. The truth is that I haven’t had the time or the urge to draw or even doodle for that matter. Someone told me that four words that keep them going when things get rough are “This too will pass.” I know this will pass and we’ll all be ok when it does. They say that things like this make us stronger – I have to say that if that’s the case then my mom will be a really strong woman when this is all said and done. She’s been strong and continues to be so – I guess we’ll see how this changes us all because I can feel it changing me and that’s not necessarily a good thing. Not all change is good. So, with that being said, I will pick this up soon and continue with it, but for now I’ll try to go on with some sort of normalcy in my life as everything around me seems to go every which way but normal.
The funny thing about all this is that at some point I had a feeling that people actually cared if I posted anything or if I didn’t, but I know that people could give a rat’s ass about my attempt at art or even about the things going on in my life. In the whole scheme of things – my life is not worth much to anyone else … yeah, it’s been one of those days, one of those weeks.
On that note here is a drawing of Yoda that I did. I actually made two of these because a friend from overseas saw it and liked it so he asked me to draw one for him and I did. I’m sorry about the quality of the picture, but I took it with my phone.
This is another card that I did.
These cards measure 2 ½ inches by 3 ½ inches. People buy and trade these – sort of like little business cards. They are called ACEO’s which stands for Art Cards Editions and Originals.
Believe it or not, I’ve actually sold a few of these on Ebay.
Good or Bad - let me know what you think