Life with Tony
My life as I see it


April 2014

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Recent Entries

  1. What I learned from my Heath Ledger Joker Bobble Head
    Monday, January 13, 2014
  2. A Brand New Year - my last post of 2013
    Tuesday, December 31, 2013
  3. I'm good
    Tuesday, December 24, 2013
  4. The Black Spot
    Tuesday, September 17, 2013
  5. Wordless Wednesday - Sign at a Mexican Restaurant
    Wednesday, August 21, 2013
  6. Change - "this too shall pass"
    Monday, August 05, 2013
  7. Doodle/Drawing #11 - YODA
    Friday, July 19, 2013
  8. Let's just call it "Lucy" - Doodle/Drawing #10
    Wednesday, July 17, 2013
  9. The Eye - Doodle/Drawing #8
    Monday, July 15, 2013
  10. Zen Eyeball - Doodle/Drawing #7
    Sunday, July 14, 2013

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What I learned from my Heath Ledger Joker Bobble Head

I like to think that there’s a part of me that shuns the urban life and embraces the free lifestyle of a 60’s flower child - even though I wasn't alive during that time. I have an idea of what life was like back then. It may be just my thoughts on it, but I like to "imagine." I like to think that I’ve lived my life using Beatles songs as my guides to my way of thinking especially “All you need is love” “Let it be” and “I get by with a little help from my friends.” I like to think that I’m opened minded and not bound by what society thinks of me or thinks what I should do or not do. I like to think that in my life I don’t judge people. Who am I to tell someone else who they can or can’t love. I like to think that material objects, are only that – material objects in my life, but recentlly I realized that I’m a bit more materialistic than I care to admit to anyone, even to myself.

I realized that I like my stuff. I work hard for my stuff. I know you can’t take it with you when you die, but that doesn’t matter to me right now. When I die I could care less what happens to it, but while I’m alive – I like my stuff. I like to look at my stuff, touch my stuff (haha) and collect my stuff. As I said, I’m more materialist than I care to admit. I have more geeky stuff than any adult should have. I have Star Wars figures, Lego sets, comic books, comic book art, and I used to have a Heath Ledger Joker Bobble Head.

The demise of the bobble head is still a mystery to me. I just came home from work one day and it was standing on the dresser where he has stood since the day I got him, but something was different about him. He was not standing on the base anymore - the base was laying on the floor. Everyone said that it must have been my one year old niece who broke it. She has a motive - she loves that Joker bobble head. She likes to bob her head along with it when you make it bob it's head. The only flaw in that is that she's too short to reach up and put it back on the dresser, so I'm sure it was not her.

In the whole scheme of things it doesn't matter who broke it. The thing that really bothers me about the whole thing is the way I felt when I found it. I was angry because my stuff was broken. The first thing I did was look on Ebay to see how much it would cost to replace it. It's funny because the only time I even thought about the Heath Ledger Joker Bobble Head was when I would take it down and show it to my niece otherwise it was as if it never existed, until it was broken.

My youngest nephew saw it and decided that he would try to fix it, so he stood it on the base and then ran out the room. The thing is that as he ran out the room he accidentally knocked it over and the whole thing fell to the floor and broke even more. I could tell he felt bad about breaking because all he was trying to do was fix it so I would feel better. He came up to me, hugged me, and said he was sorry for breaking my Joker Bobble Head.

As he said that I realized that I was getting to attached to my material things and I was putting more importance to them than I should be. Don't get me wrong, I still love my stuff, but it's not the most thing in my life - not even close. The most important thing I learned from my Heath Ledger Joker Bobble Head is that it's just a bobble head

A Brand New Year - my last post of 2013

Well another year is coming to a close and it’s been a crazy year filled with ups and downs. One of the best things of the year has been watching my youngest niece grow up. I got to see many of her firsts: her first wobbly steps, I heard say her first word “mom”, I saw her climb up the stairs for the first time, and now her newest first - her zombie walk. It’s the funniest thing ever. She throws her hands up, turns her head to one side, sticks out her tongue and makes growling sounds as she walks (I wonder who's influence that is). I even got to hear her say my name for the first time and I can’t begin to say how happy that made me feel. As much as those memories bring happiness to my life and even make me smile as I type this, I also experienced the hardest thing I had to do in my life – that was bury my father. His death was hard for me because it was unexpected.

He had a stroke and ended up in the hospital, but in my heart I knew he was going to make it and pull through. I knew he was going to beat this, even after the doctor told us there wasn't any hope for him. I believed that God or whoever, whatever would save him and life would be back to normal. It didn’t happen that way and his death took me on a dark personal journey. It was a strange and difficult time for me. I felt as if I had to be strong and be there for everyone else, but I felt like I was alone without anyone being there for me. It was a dark time that is just now starting to get better. One of the things that haunted me most was the fact that I felt like I was not a good son or the son he wanted especially toward the end of his life. As I said before, I really believed he was going to make it out of the hospital, so I thought I had more time. I had plenty of time to be the good son, but I was wrong. I guess that’s how life is – you never know what’s going to happen next or when you're waking up on that last morning of your life.

As this year comes to an end I know that the things I went through will make me into that person that I may not necessarily want to be, but am destined to be. I know that there are things that don't seem so important to me anymore and for a lack of a better term: I give less fucks about - and that's not really a bad thing when you think about it.

It's that time of the year when people make promises to themselves to do better or be a better person. I don’t really make New Year’s resolutions because I never really stick to them. I think the only time I ever made a New Year’s Resolution that I followed through on is when I decided to eat more chocolate chip cookies in the year. I kept that resolution and was happy doing it. So as this year ends I can say without a doubt that I’m looking forward to next year. It’s almost a liberating feeling of leaving 2013 behind and starting everything new. As I look out to the city, I can’t help but look forward to the future ... I’m expecting good things from 2014.

I'm good

Well, it’s Christmas and the truth is that I’ve been dreading this day for a while now. They say that the holidays are the hardest after someone dies. Thanksgiving was rough. My nephew talked about how much his missed his “Po-Po” but that even though he was gone he wasn’t completely gone. He said you could feel him when his baby sister would look up and start laughing for no reason. He said that even though he missed him, his “Po-Po” still lived in his heart and in his memories He’s a smart kid.

I’ll admit that I had to face my own inner demons after my father died, mostly the feeling that I failed him as a son. I was going to the gym constantly and I felt like I was going to the gym more than I was going to see him, but the thing is that in my heart of hearts I really believed that he was going to pull this and he was going to come home and things would eventually get back to normal. I went through a time when I lost faith in God and started to lose my belief in Him. I’ll admit that I was never a big religious person, but there was always that little spark of faith in my heart – after my father died it felt like that spark died too. I struggled with that for a while, but in the end I came out of it. I can’t say that my faith is stronger, but I can say that the spark is still there.

There are still times when I feel like he’s going to walk in the door or I find myself thinking “I can’t wait to show this or that to my dad” or “I wonder what dad will say about this…” I don’t know if that will pass or not, but I do know that no matter what happens I’m going to be ok and the dark spot is almost all gone.

The Black Spot

I think that most young boys grow up believing that their fathers are perfect. I know that my father was not perfect. He had his flaws, but those flaws are what made him who he was. Those flaws made him perfect in my eyes. His death has been hard for me. I've tried to be strong. I've  tried to be the one who was there for my mom, the one who was there for my brother, the one who was there for my sister, and  the one who was there for my nieces and nephews. I tried to be the one who was there for whomever my have needed me, but as I try to be there for everyone else I can’t help but wonder who is there for me.

Since his death, many people have told me that God has a plan or that we don’t understand God’s way, etc and the truth of the matter is that when people say that, it really pisses me off. I don’t want to hear about God’s plan or His way. I just want to understand how this could have happened. As much as this talk pisses me off, I don’t say anything because I know that the thought of prayers and God’s infinite plan give my mom some sort of comfort and I have to be there for her and support her.

When my father died I felt as a little black spot was put on my heart. It’s a cold, dark, evil spot and I feel like I have to fight to keep it from growing and consuming me. There are days when I feel like I want to be good and try to find the good in everything, but there are other days when I feel that dark spot taking over and I just want to punch some random person in the face and tell them to go to hell. I feel the part of me that was once good slowly slipping away and I don’t want it to, but I don’t know how to keep that black spot from growing and taking over.

Someone told me that we all grieve in different ways and that no one way is right for everyone. They also said that it would take time for things to fall into place and be somewhat normal again. I guess I just have to wait and see how this all plays out - until then I will continue to fight that black spot, but at this time in my life I fear it’s a battle that I will lose.

Good-by Dad, I miss you so much.
I love you more than you ever knew and more than I ever realized.

Wordless Wednesday - Sign at a Mexican Restaurant

Change - "this too shall pass"

Well, it seems like things never work out the way I intend or plan for them to work out – I guess that’s why I try not to plan too many things. I wanted to post a drawing or doodle a day for 100 days, but that ended way before I intended it to. I knew that when I started this it would be difficult because I’m neither an artist nor a doodler : ), but I thought I could do it. I mean how hard is it to put a few lines on a sheet of paper and call it art? It’s just that unforeseen things happen in life and when they do, they sometimes hit you like a freight train and you’re left standing there wondering “what the hell just happened?”

My father had a stroke and that changed many things. It had a ripple effect, affecting things that I didn’t think something like that would affect. I’m not going to go into too many details here, but it really does seem that when “it rains, it pours.” Life just got a little more complicated and in the whole scheme of things I guess no one cares if I draw 100 pieces of crappy art or not. The truth is that I haven’t had the time or the urge to draw or even doodle for that matter. Someone told me that four words that keep them going when things get rough are “This too will pass.” I know this will pass and we’ll all be ok when it does. They say that things like this make us stronger – I have to say that if that’s the case then my mom will be a really strong woman when this is all said and done. She’s been strong and continues to be so – I guess we’ll see how this changes us all because I can feel it changing me and that’s not necessarily a good thing. Not all change is good. So, with that being said, I will pick this up soon and continue with it, but for now I’ll try to go on with some sort of normalcy in my life as everything around me seems to go every which way but normal.

Doodle/Drawing #11 - YODA

Well, it seems that my 100 doodles/drawings in 100 days failed. I missed out on posting anything yesterday. The reason I missed out was because it was one of those days where you know that God is just screwing with you for His own enjoyment – where whatever can go wrong will go wrong. My father had a stroke a few days ago and it’s taken it’s toll on everyone (I’m sure I’ll write about that sometime soon, but not today), so in light of the situation I decided that I’m giving myself a free pass. In my mind it’s almost as if yesterday never happened, so if yesterday never happened then I didn’t miss the doodle/drawing for the day.

The funny thing about all this is that at some point I had a feeling that people actually cared if I posted anything or if I didn’t, but I know that people could give a rat’s ass about my attempt at art or even about the things going on in my life. In the whole scheme of things – my life is not worth much to anyone else … yeah, it’s been one of those days, one of those weeks.

On that note here is a drawing of Yoda that I did. I actually made two of these because a friend from overseas saw it and liked it so he asked me to draw one for him and I did. I’m sorry about the quality of the picture, but I took it with my phone.

Let's just call it "Lucy" - Doodle/Drawing #10


I used to work with a girl that looked a little like this. I admit that I did this as a joke after someone else who works with her posted a picture of his rendition of her and got in trouble for doing so - apparently you aren't supposed to post funny pictures of people you work with at the job, especially if she's your supervisor.

Now, just to be clear, the person who I made a doodle of is not really named Lucy ... or she is?

Good or bad, let me know what you think

The Eye - Doodle/Drawing #8

The Eye

This is another card that I did.

These cards measure 2 ½ inches by 3 ½ inches. People buy and trade these – sort of like little business cards. They are called ACEO’s which stands for Art Cards Editions and Originals.

Believe it or not, I’ve actually sold a few of these on Ebay.

Good or Bad - let me know what you think


Zen Eyeball - Doodle/Drawing #7

Zen Eyeball

This is another of my “Zen Art” card that was done during my break at work.

Don't ask me what it means because it really doesn't have a meaning ... it's just a little drawing that I made

Good or bad, please let me know what you think